Null and Void

I woke up today feeling null and void.  My heart is numb and I can't shake off that feeling.  I look around at my environment and the mess and chaos is ever so present.  It's been this way for months, well truthfully, years.  My living space resembles my current state of mind.  Nothing is where it belongs.  Everything is scattered.  I just can't come to terms with peace, and everything around me looks like catastrophe.

You probably can't see it.  Inside I feel like dying.  But on the outside, I am well groomed, put together, and wear a smile as large as my ears are apart.  My joy is not completely masked though.  I smile most when I'm at church or with my brothers and sisters of Christ.  My happiness radiates there and true joy is present.  Lately, I feel like they are all the family I have.  Although there is a painful truth hidden inside me, they make me forget that for a moment.  I feel their heart of Christ pouring love so generously and kindly, so accepting and encouraging, and for once, I feel like I'm at home.

When my heart feels empty and I gaze beyond me, outside or at the sky, I ponder about the reason behind my feeling of numbness.  Is this a result of my dissonance from God?  Have I not prayed enough lately, meditate on the word long enough?  Is my soul aching for something God is not ready for me to have?  A worldly desire unfulfilled?

In writing this, I'm relieved of some of my suffering.  I am not alone.  God wants me to yearn more for Him.  Everything will be ok if I just put my entire trust in Him.