Never Dating Again

On the outside, we are defined by our physical appearance and how we carry ourselves in public.  On the inside, we're something entirely different.  Our bruises and scars, the things that make us tick, our driving force, the heart's secret fears and desires... that is who we really are.

In the dating realm, only a superficial surface is scratched, perhaps slightly dented.  But once a deeper layer is revealed, one by one, the true person's essence is brought to light, and it is during this process that compatibility or incompatibility issues are understood.

So why am I not dating?  Well, I have dated in the past, and obviously, failed.  It's easy to say yes when my reasons are not right.  When I am lonely, empty, desolate, wanting company... it's easy to say yes to suitors.

But I know what it's like and I know where it will eventually lead to.  I know that initial attraction and a good impression might make the person think I am a pleasant and potential partner.  And perhaps if they are feeling equally as lonely and in need of company, only that will be the driving motivation behind their pursuit.

If I were to say yes and think this person might really, truly care about me the way I hope they do, then we'll start dating and hanging out and putting our hearts into this newly developed relationship. Fast forward to months or even years ahead and they'll find that I was not who they thought I was in the first place, and vice versa.  We'll find this out long after wasted time, energy, love, and hope was invested and flushed down the drain.

I know this because it always happens this way.  Someone might find my confidence attractive, but deep down inside, I am very insecure.  My joy might be radiant and wonderful in someone's eyes, but when I am alone, I am deeply saddened and filled with a painful past that is never revealed in public. My hair, makeup, and clothes might look nice, but before a mask was applied, I am bare, naked, and full of flaws.

If and when someone can look past my skin and peer deeply into my heart.  If and when they find I am still attractive for the person I am inside, then that will be the day I will consider a romantic pursuit.

For now, I have learned my lesson.  Dating is not an option.  Soul searching, however, is a continuous venture.  Until then, I am invested in myself and the people that I care about around me. Until then, I am trying to figure out myself first, deep down to the very core of all that defines me.