Right Eye Twitch

Caffeine has been making my right eye twitch lately, so unfortunately, I've been having to decrease my coffee intake.  There's only one other thing that can do that to me and it happened again this morning. Talking to my son's father.  Afterwards, I had that same increase in blood pressure and right eye twitch.  But I'm going to try and remain positive, despite the hashing out that happened earlier.

Well for one thing, I love my son so much.  He is my heart's extension, my drive, and reason for pushing through everyday.  If I never met my son's father, well, I would have never had my son. Very obvious, but it's true.  The complications I have to endure now are nothing compared to the grand scheme of things.  Love is prevalent and love always wins.

It's a scary thought thinking about our future, stepping out of a home and environment where we are safe and financial matters are not a stress factor.  Perhaps my fears and anxiety are creating tension in our discussions about child support.  Maybe my words are not guided by the Holy Spirit.  Most likely not, because let me tell you, I am not speaking calmly or steadily.  I am angry and annoyed.

How could I not be annoyed?  I wasted my heart and energy in our six years together.  And I tried.  Really, I tried hard.  Maybe not hard enough...  But where was he?  Where was he ever when I needed him to help me raise our child together.  When I just needed to talk.  When I was lonely.  Was the restaurant that much more important to him than his family?  And in the end when he decided he needed something more to fulfill him, we were kicked out like pesky rodents.

So yes, I am angry.  I am livid.  But if his family love my son and want the best for him as much as they say they do, why would they make this child support thing such a difficult matter?  I'm not asking for a way to strike it rich.  All I need is to cover his month to month living, eating, and health expenses.

What is the real matter here?  Do they want me to get a "real 9-5 job" to contribute to the bills?  Ok, that is totally fine.  I actually don't mind that at all.  But who will bring Arun to school and pick him up when it's time?  Who will bring him to his doctor and dentist appointments?  Make him healthy meals?  Take him to see his friends and play with other kids his age?  Who will console him when he needs his parents' love?  It has been only me since he was born, so how can we make that transition now?  If we do that can I completely trust that he will be safe and loved?  Would his father be able to sacrifice his beloved work hours for his son when he could never do that in the past?

I'm exhausted.  May the end of this come soon so my son and I no longer have to suffer.  May God's hands be all over this matter, mostly my little boy's heart, that we may transition out and into a new season of peace and happiness.  If I say or act on anything that is against God's will, may I be forgiven and guided towards doing the right and most honorable thing...