Burnout

After all my efforts to build this dream photography business, sadly, I am facing the biggest dilemma yet.  I am having a complete and unshakable burnout.  I've been taking on so many jobs, shooting and burning, one after another, with no breathing room or space for creativity and fresh air.  Alas, everything is jumbled in my brain, knotted so tightly that I can't unwind from the tangled mess of it all.

This "slump" or whatever it is I've been feeling is affecting several different aspects of my life.  But the important thing right now is to take steps, however small, towards improvement.  Venting is good and it feels great.  But the danger in venting constantly is that it becomes habitual.  It becomes commonplace and a huge chunk of energy goes into that instead of finding solutions to solve the underlying problem.

I have been feeling defeated and helpless lately about my unorganized chaos.  So if I can't do anything personally about it then it's probably time to take it to someone who can make all things possible.  I can do all things through Christ alone.  Now what does that even mean?  In typing that sentence I even feel myself speaking a different language which I myself am not fluent in.

There is victory in knowing the One who suffered and died for my salvation.  Now to apply this to my current dilemma, I am going to have to dig really deep.  This is between God and I alone.  I know everything will turn out fine, but in the meantime, my prayers are going to have to go further than they have before.  I really need to come to some kind of resolve, because obviously, whatever I have been doing and how I have been praying before just doesn't cut it.  

God simply wants more.

Overcoming

Behavior is very much learned as it is genetic.  When you observe families, communities, or even workplaces, you'll notice similar personalities and facial expressions that are more common than others.  It's quite interesting to see.

One thing I learned in my young adult years was the ability to overcome certain tendencies and feelings that would otherwise be common in pattern.  I knew this was necessary to do, because the path I was going down was almost the exact reflection of my mother's debilitating depression.  

I don't blame her for it.  Actually, her painful story is deeply ingrained in me and so much a part of who I am today.  My poor mother witnessed her father get murdered at 13 years old.  She was unloved by her own mother who lost her sense of reason after her husband's death.  My grandmother was a young widow to 7 children, my mother being the eldest and solely responsible for her young siblings.  

She was arranged a marriage with my father who did not want to marry her.  He agreed only because she threatened to kill herself out of shame.  My father's side of the family didn't accept her and wanted him to have another wife who was more prominent in society.

Now that is just the first quarter of her life.  I can go on and on and list one tragic thing after another; such as losing her first son, being tortured for three years during the Cambodian War, enduring my father's extramarital affairs, thyroid cancer, my father eventually impregnating another woman, and finally divorce.

The pain in my mother's heart is severe and intense.  I don't think I've ever seen her truly joyful, even to this day.

I went through quite a spell growing up, learning her behavior, and constantly victimizing myself.  I knew nothing else.  But somehow, miraculously, God saved me.  When that aura came over me and I came to know Christ in my life, I began learning new things about grace, love, overcoming, forgiveness, and ultimately how my ashes of the past could turn into something beautiful and remarkable.

It was a slow and long process, but the transformation definitely took place.

I'll be honest, when I go back to New England to visit family and see the same old patterns still repeating itself, when I see everyone's lack of faith, I get extremely frustrated.

The opportunity to overcome and shed a new life is there.  Jesus Christ suffered and died that we may be saved.  Why do the unsaved choose to remain the same way year in and year out?  Isn't hopelessness so tiring and exhausting?  What would it take to get my family to accept Christ and finally overcome our painful past?

If there is anything more I can do or say, I pray that God uses me and confidently, I may move forward both in speech and action without fear of being mocked.  Overcoming brokenness is worth it. God's victory is the best way we can ever live our lives.  All we need to do is accept Him and His will...

Right Eye Twitch

Caffeine has been making my right eye twitch lately, so unfortunately, I've been having to decrease my coffee intake.  There's only one other thing that can do that to me and it happened again this morning. Talking to my son's father.  Afterwards, I had that same increase in blood pressure and right eye twitch.  But I'm going to try and remain positive, despite the hashing out that happened earlier.

Well for one thing, I love my son so much.  He is my heart's extension, my drive, and reason for pushing through everyday.  If I never met my son's father, well, I would have never had my son. Very obvious, but it's true.  The complications I have to endure now are nothing compared to the grand scheme of things.  Love is prevalent and love always wins.

It's a scary thought thinking about our future, stepping out of a home and environment where we are safe and financial matters are not a stress factor.  Perhaps my fears and anxiety are creating tension in our discussions about child support.  Maybe my words are not guided by the Holy Spirit.  Most likely not, because let me tell you, I am not speaking calmly or steadily.  I am angry and annoyed.

How could I not be annoyed?  I wasted my heart and energy in our six years together.  And I tried.  Really, I tried hard.  Maybe not hard enough...  But where was he?  Where was he ever when I needed him to help me raise our child together.  When I just needed to talk.  When I was lonely.  Was the restaurant that much more important to him than his family?  And in the end when he decided he needed something more to fulfill him, we were kicked out like pesky rodents.

So yes, I am angry.  I am livid.  But if his family love my son and want the best for him as much as they say they do, why would they make this child support thing such a difficult matter?  I'm not asking for a way to strike it rich.  All I need is to cover his month to month living, eating, and health expenses.

What is the real matter here?  Do they want me to get a "real 9-5 job" to contribute to the bills?  Ok, that is totally fine.  I actually don't mind that at all.  But who will bring Arun to school and pick him up when it's time?  Who will bring him to his doctor and dentist appointments?  Make him healthy meals?  Take him to see his friends and play with other kids his age?  Who will console him when he needs his parents' love?  It has been only me since he was born, so how can we make that transition now?  If we do that can I completely trust that he will be safe and loved?  Would his father be able to sacrifice his beloved work hours for his son when he could never do that in the past?

I'm exhausted.  May the end of this come soon so my son and I no longer have to suffer.  May God's hands be all over this matter, mostly my little boy's heart, that we may transition out and into a new season of peace and happiness.  If I say or act on anything that is against God's will, may I be forgiven and guided towards doing the right and most honorable thing...

Psalm 71

I'm still reading the book of Psalms.  Tonight's reading was Psalm 71 and I am reminded of my story, God's story in my life.  Often times, I dwell so much on my sufferings that I forget about my survival.    The world is a dark place, that's for sure, and we are reminded everyday of its tragedies and destruction.  But here we are, safe and sound, blessed by His presence, in the dwelling places that He set forth for us.  Worship Him, for He is glorious.  Worship Him, for all that He has done in our lives.

Forget about pain for a moment.  About loneliness and shortcomings.  Those have become idols in my life, repeating the same sadness in my heart over and over again.  Instead, worship the Lord.  Worship our God who has given us a reason to have joy.  

The bible is a constant reminder of His love.  Even though we drown in our own sea of despair, there is a lifeline waiting for us to reach out far enough to grab hold of.  This means leaving the past behind and hanging on with everything we've got.

I want to take that plunge, leaving behind what has become too familiar and depleting in my life.  I really want to...

Never Dating Again

On the outside, we are defined by our physical appearance and how we carry ourselves in public.  On the inside, we're something entirely different.  Our bruises and scars, the things that make us tick, our driving force, the heart's secret fears and desires... that is who we really are.

In the dating realm, only a superficial surface is scratched, perhaps slightly dented.  But once a deeper layer is revealed, one by one, the true person's essence is brought to light, and it is during this process that compatibility or incompatibility issues are understood.

So why am I not dating?  Well, I have dated in the past, and obviously, failed.  It's easy to say yes when my reasons are not right.  When I am lonely, empty, desolate, wanting company... it's easy to say yes to suitors.

But I know what it's like and I know where it will eventually lead to.  I know that initial attraction and a good impression might make the person think I am a pleasant and potential partner.  And perhaps if they are feeling equally as lonely and in need of company, only that will be the driving motivation behind their pursuit.

If I were to say yes and think this person might really, truly care about me the way I hope they do, then we'll start dating and hanging out and putting our hearts into this newly developed relationship. Fast forward to months or even years ahead and they'll find that I was not who they thought I was in the first place, and vice versa.  We'll find this out long after wasted time, energy, love, and hope was invested and flushed down the drain.

I know this because it always happens this way.  Someone might find my confidence attractive, but deep down inside, I am very insecure.  My joy might be radiant and wonderful in someone's eyes, but when I am alone, I am deeply saddened and filled with a painful past that is never revealed in public. My hair, makeup, and clothes might look nice, but before a mask was applied, I am bare, naked, and full of flaws.

If and when someone can look past my skin and peer deeply into my heart.  If and when they find I am still attractive for the person I am inside, then that will be the day I will consider a romantic pursuit.

For now, I have learned my lesson.  Dating is not an option.  Soul searching, however, is a continuous venture.  Until then, I am invested in myself and the people that I care about around me. Until then, I am trying to figure out myself first, deep down to the very core of all that defines me.

Croaking on Stage

I'm surprised at how much I still struggle with my internal conflicts at this ripe old age of 32.  In joining the Praise band again after all these years, thinking I am much more confident, equipped, and skilled... and after much prayer and a long period of observation, I still croak on stage.  The truth is, I thought I could just blend right in and use my talents to glorify the Lord with songs of praise.  The other truth is, I have followed my own rules and decided my own life choices for so long, I barely know how to follow another person's lead.  Not that I don't want to.  It's not that at all.  It's that I don't know how to.  Sometime long ago at such a young and fragile age, I learned that following an unloving father's guidance would do me more harm than good.  I've been doing my own thing for so long, tragically it's what I know best.

What I also learned is that I always have to be the best in everything.  If I wasn't then I would never hear that I did a good job or that I was good enough.  I'd always be "stupid" in my father's eyes and never comparable to my sister who was always the best.

Pair that with my hypersensitivity and insecurities and immediately the result is me croaking on stage.  Ask me to lead a song and I am 110% into it and confident.  Ask me to tone it down a bit and not sing too loud and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me.  Am I not good enough?

Humbleness.  Humility.  Servitude.  Grace.  Gentleness.  So many things God is trying to teach me here.

I may be 32, have it all together, or so I thought, yet God is revealing my heart in this current matter.  Surely He called me to join the Praise band again, but perhaps it's not because of my "skill" as I thought after all.  It's a real hard lesson, an undoing of something that took years to build.  He's teaching me all over again how to have a humble and serving heart with His utmost love and truth.

If I don't follow through with it now, how much more stubborn and prideful would I become?  It's amazing to feel all this (even though I honestly feel like a crummy person right now), knowing that God has searched my heart and put me in a place and position where my flaws are openly revealed to me.

I'm going to continue on with God's calling for me in the Praise band.  One Sunday after another, behind my veil of wanting to show my best skills, my insecurities, my struggles with authoritive figures, all of my weaknesses up there on stage, I am going to lift my voice loudly, or even quietly, and glorify His name.

Null and Void

I woke up today feeling null and void.  My heart is numb and I can't shake off that feeling.  I look around at my environment and the mess and chaos is ever so present.  It's been this way for months, well truthfully, years.  My living space resembles my current state of mind.  Nothing is where it belongs.  Everything is scattered.  I just can't come to terms with peace, and everything around me looks like catastrophe.

You probably can't see it.  Inside I feel like dying.  But on the outside, I am well groomed, put together, and wear a smile as large as my ears are apart.  My joy is not completely masked though.  I smile most when I'm at church or with my brothers and sisters of Christ.  My happiness radiates there and true joy is present.  Lately, I feel like they are all the family I have.  Although there is a painful truth hidden inside me, they make me forget that for a moment.  I feel their heart of Christ pouring love so generously and kindly, so accepting and encouraging, and for once, I feel like I'm at home.

When my heart feels empty and I gaze beyond me, outside or at the sky, I ponder about the reason behind my feeling of numbness.  Is this a result of my dissonance from God?  Have I not prayed enough lately, meditate on the word long enough?  Is my soul aching for something God is not ready for me to have?  A worldly desire unfulfilled?

In writing this, I'm relieved of some of my suffering.  I am not alone.  God wants me to yearn more for Him.  Everything will be ok if I just put my entire trust in Him.